WHY Some WOMEN Choose THE WRONG MAN Time and Time and Time Again

by Margrett Dawson Wallace
(Pelham, Georgia USA)

WHY Some WOMEN Choose THE WRONG MAN Time and Time and Time Again...

WE all know women who repeatedly get hooked up with the wrong man. The pattern of disastrous love is rather clear to everyone around them, but these blinded-by-love females do not seem to notice that they always fall for the same kind of man--the wrong man, and it never works out. Anita Baker says it best…”You Are The Wrong Man…Doing The Right Things.”

Perhaps you are a victim of blind love yourself. Maybe you thought you had finally found your love match only to realize much later, many heartaches and agonizing nights later, that Mr. Wonderful was not so wonderful after all. In fact, he was pretty much like that other awful man you thought was your true love, or the past beau you felt you could not live without but had to when he left you for that other woman.

Most times it is not just bad luck that steers women to the wrong man time and time again. Sometimes the pattern of loser-lovers is indicative of a deeper, more serious flaw in the woman's personality or character. Or the problem may stem from the woman's family history. And it usually is rooted in lack of self-esteem and self-love. In addition, far too many women blindly get involved with man after man without stopping to assess what went wrong in previous relationships. Many women do not evaluate themselves or their relationships; consequently, they do not recognize the similarities that attract them to certain types of men."

When a woman repeatedly chooses the wrong man, those bad choices attempt to fulfill "needs" that sometimes go back to the woman's childhood, back to the time when she was not capable of analyzing the information at hand. Women who grow up and see their mothers in bad relationships, or grow up with fathers who are abusive, alcoholic or addicted to drugs, as children they watch these situations and think of ways their mothers should resolve the problem. When they grow up themselves, they select men who are very much like their fathers. When they grow up in abusive families, they marry men who are abusive because they want to change the man. They tell themselves, `I can do what mommy was not able to do.' They are influenced by childhood fairy tales, in which, the prince rescues the damsel in distress, and they believe they will live `happily ever after.' They believe that you can take a frog, or a man with negative characteristics, and kiss him, and he will turn into a prince or, rather, the man of their dreams.

May I suggest that you read what relationship therapist and author Audrey B. Chapman stated, that numerous studies point to the fact that a woman's capacity for mutually loving and sexually fulfilling relationships is directly related to her relationship with her father, In her book, Getting Good Loving: How Black Men and Women Can Make Love Work, she wrote: Women who are unable to sustain romantic relationships almost always had fathers who could not be counted on, or who were emotionally or physically unavailable when they were growing up. A loving mother is not enough to offset those difficulties.

A missing father can mean a lifetime search for daddy figures in every romantic endeavor. Too many girls grow up not being affirmed by a man, not knowing what it's like to be nurtured, protected or acknowledged by a paternal figure. As women, we often seek love and closeness in dysfunctional relationships, tolerating distant, non-nurturing men who exhibit behaviors similar to those in their absent or fantasized fathers."

Another reason women repeatedly get involved in bad relationships, is that women often feel they can change the man. We as women assume responsibility for the relationship and feel that we must make it work. But women don't realize that we cannot control relationships or the actions of another person. You can't make a man do one thing or another. You can't make a man love you, even though Jennifer Holliday passionately sings about that in the powerful song from Dream Girls. I often think about how the women in the audience stood and applauded when she sang that song. But we can't make a man love us. We keep getting into negative relationships thinking that we can change the man and make it work. We think we have that power in a relationship, but we don't."

We often find ourselves in such circumstances because society puts the burden of maintaining the relationship or marriage on the female. In everyday social interactions we continue to hear comments such as "She let her man get away" when in fact the woman never had him, or perhaps he lost her. By the same token, many abused women believe they did something wrong and that is why they are abused.

Along those same lines, women continue to select men who are all wrong for them because they are looking for the wrong qualities in a man. Far too many women consider priorities to be good looks, money and material assets. However, those elements do not speak to a man's character or caring or ability to give love. Invitation to: “A Cup of Coffee”, laments the fact she cannot "find a gentleman," but had she been introduced to a Nubian Brother, there would not have been a reason to invite three men over for “A Cup of Coffee” with hidden agendas/wrong intentions…that “Warranty Un-Wanted Advances." Some women is attracted to what we call "bad boys," men who are flashy, who are players, men who expect women to be at their beck and call but offer little in return. That is the kind of man some women have been in hurtful relationships with in the past, but they refuse to see the error in their priorities.

Some women are confused about what love really is and what a good relationship should entail. True Love...My Love. For the most part, women feel that men should be strong and independent.

Relationship therapists point out that when a man demands to know "where have you been?" and "what have you been doing?" women often misinterpret that as love and caring. Come on my sisters, we aren’t allowed to ask them those questions…”where have you been?” “Where are you”, “Are you with another woman?” We are told “Don’t you go there!” We don't evaluate men, and we make decisions without analyzing the situation to determine that such is not healthy behavior. "When a man tells you that you shouldn't do such and such a thing, we think that is love. We gravitate toward men who are strong and controlling…Controlling-Ass Women…are there “Controlling-Ass Men?” We have in our heads an image that is what a man should be. I say…HELL NO! Does that behavior supposedly indicates that a man is strong, which is supposed to be a positive quality… HELL NO! again. But it's all about control." Yet, men who are "nice and polite," those who treat women with respect, often are not appreciated by women who have a fatal attraction to the wrong kind of man.

Dr. Sharon Ames-Dennard, a clinical psychologist in Tallahassee, Fla., says” so many women continue to make bad choices in men because people in general get no education or training in how to select a suitable mate.” "We have no preparation for this, the most important area and aspect of our lives, the ability to interact and to get along with other people, other human beings," says Dr. Ames-Dennard, who with her husband, psychologist Dr. Dana Dennard, operate the Aakhet Center for Human Development,...I have had the opportunity to attended several of their workshops, in preparation to teach classes in “Life Management Skills-Life Long Learning Behaviors. I have learned…it's no wonder people sort of stumble and fumble when it comes to the challenge of selecting a mate and maintaining personal relationships.

Dr. Ames-Dennard, also, shared with us, that more emphasis should be placed on teaching young people how to be responsible in personal relationships. She said teens should be coached on what qualities they should look for in a potential date or mate, and how to find the kind of people they are looking for. At her retreats and counseling sessions, she used charts in an attempt to make people understand why they continue to get involved in bad relationships.

People seemingly are drawn to a specific character type; until they learn what it is that keeps them boxed in. She stated … you are never going to be able to extricate yourself, if you continued to stay in that box. This is the reason why I shared in the article…“Behind the Mask…Who Are You”…that I am no longer living in the box.

At the root of the problem, according to relationship counselors, is a lack of self-esteem and a positive self-image on the part of the woman. To free ourselves from this devastating pattern of unhealthy love, we first must come to grips with who we are as women. We must assess past relationships and analyze what went wrong and why. What part did we play in the failed relationships? Do we repeatedly allow ourselves to be used and physically or emotionally abused by the man we claim to love? Women, also, should dig deeper and do a self-inventory. They should ask themselves: Who am I really? What do I truly want from life, from love, from a relationship? What do I have to offer a man? Why would a man want me? Only after thorough self-analysis has been completed should a woman focus on what she wants in a man. Yes, by all means…

Thanks for reading…hope it has been informative…

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